Disgrace on me

Alas!! After a long time i am blogging again, though this time i am more sombre and disgusted nobody to blame than me. When i look back now the last 6 months prove to be my nemesis rather i am the nemesis of myself, i had such a strong feeling on "why i was born on this earth?".

I got the feeling because of my inherent behaviour of which i am imparting bad sentiments on my close ones i am more pained "why does somebody else need to go thru the emotions when it is no fault of theirs and how many times i would have done this - countless".

To be honest i am in the middle of my "dream life"-to live close with the 3 of my pentabulous, i am priveleged. Yet, the agony and the frustration of not being able to cherish these moments hit hard on me. I could not able to render any good to them, i am insipid, i am insane. I got innumerous sessions of care advice - soft, tender, polite, patience, hard what more could i expect, yet i am completely passive. If i were to die today i will take it atleast i can spare them once for all but such a disgrace on me for being selfish. I did ponder on my behaviour

1.Emotion
2.Emotion
3.Emotion
4.Unconditional compromise
5.Fear of losing
6.Lack of head & self-control
7.Unbalanced thoughts

I feel really tough.